Why Am I Here?

Why Am I Here?

A Journey through Space and Time

Part One: the Story

First and foremost this article is an inner journey of self discovery with the title question appearing to be somewhat incidental to the levels of truth revealed during its rite of passage. The question, however, plays a profound and essential part in this process for it acts as a beacon, a light of enquiry, through which disparate threads may come together as one illuminate Truth. Although every aspect within this story - events, feelings, emotions, players, insights etc – are revealed through my own experience, the intrinsic nature of this process may be found at the heart of every human being who seeks to be something greater than himself. It may therefore be applied to anyone who travels the inner pathways to Self-realisation.

And so in order to answer the title question I feel I must perhaps, pose another: “Who am I?” Surely I must first ascertain the identity of this ‘I’ before attempting to discover its reason for being here? Now it is to the far reaches of my own experience that I travel. I must probe the dark corners of my mind, swim in the murky waters of my heart, face my own worst nightmares; in short I have to “boldly go where no man has gone before”. I will not find answers in the words of others, even from the wisest of teachers, although they may perhaps provide signposts on my journey. No, my only recourse is to turn within and search through the doorways of my own existence until the light of truth emerges from my innermost being to illuminate the subject of my enquiry.

If it seems I go off on a tangent, and appear not to provide any coherent solution, it is due to my journeying into these mysteries within the light of my own experience. Thus, not only do I find answer to the original question, but along the way I also embrace aspects of my Self hitherto remained hidden.

Scotland, August 2007

I begin my journey some eighteen months ago in the summer of 2007, at Lendrick Lodge in Scotland. This was my first ‘Seed of Life’ workshop with Ron and Lyssa Holt, facilitators in experiential understanding of Sacred Geometry. The insights and shifts in consciousness I gained during that six day event are truly beyond words and impossible to convey within the limitations of this article. Suffice it to say that this was the most profound workshop I had ever attended leading me to levels of understanding into the nature of existence that I could hitherto only have dreamed of.

However, there was one experience during that week which plays a very significant part in relating this story. I realise in this moment of time that it was the foundation point from which my current level of understanding grew; the point at which the seed was sown to grow and flourish into levels of awareness that allowed the spontaneous arising of the title question.

Towards the end of the week Lyssa led a channelled meditation session to connect with and embrace the extra-terrestrial aspects of our consciousness. Much of this experience was, once again, beyond words but to summarise I felt I had received a huge download of information; geometries, teachings, visions, even mathematical formulae. I understood very little of it at the time but it didn’t seem important, I knew understanding and clarity would come when the time was right for it to be shared.

The meaning was to become clear sooner that I expected but not in a way I had envisioned. After the session we went for a break and as we shared our experiences, like a bolt from the blue, I was asked, “Barbara, do you have some information for me?” the request came in a very authoritative manner and left me feeling quite taken aback and flummoxed. Never the less I had just been given a load of information from who knows where so I felt the least I could do was ask. For the sake of brevity I will not go into the full details of this event, suffice it to say I sat on the floor with three people around me forming a tetrahedron (3d triangle) while I asked, surrendered and awaited the outcome.

Before long an image, a setting began to unfold… it was daylight in an African tribal village… I was in the centre of a circle formed by women and children… a witch doctor joined me there who was huge, formidable and very powerful… as he performed his ritualistic tribal dance I became more and more intimidated... my mind began to judge as the scene unfolded before my eyes… I couldn’t determine whether he was good or evil… and the more I continued to look the more confusing it became… I simply did not know … I relaxed, surrendered my judgemental mind, and once again waited for events to unfold…

Soon after, another image appeared to my inner eye… this was in the form of a memory, a memory of a film I had watched many years ago. It told the story of a woman who sought immortality through the ritualistic slaughter of human beings in sacrifice to the goddess Kali… as the memory of this film surfaced I felt the hand of the witch doctor reach towards my heart… he tore at it with his bare hands ripping it from the centre of my chest… as I relayed these events, the gentleman who had posed the original question, cleared his throat… I felt a ripple of disapproval run through me and began to doubt myself… was I completely on the wrong track? Had this download been a figment of my imagination? Was this another lesson for my ego to learn? All these and many more questions and doubts raced through my mind in a matter of milliseconds…

I became quiet and again waited… once more I let go and asked for clarity… before long the light of truth arose from within. The vision of the witch doctor vanished and a power seemed to enter me as I spoke the words; ‘‘this whole situation is a test”… I gathered in strength and continued… “This is a test and it is a test for me. I am sat here because you told me to sit here”. In that moment I opened my eyes and as the gentleman stepped forward I stood up. “Well done” he said “my task is done, the heart you took out was your judgmental heart; now you have to replace it with a new one.”

I felt very shaky… as the truth underlying these events and my ‘test’ began to dawn upon me. My trial contained many subtle levels of understanding within it, one of which was to do with male energy and my owning it in a healthy way. I realised that in order to relate to men or someone I perceived to be in authority I had to take on the role of a male. I had to puff myself up with authority so others would take notice, then I could relate on an equal footing, or so I believed. However, this was a distortion in energy which led to my holding an underlying dis-ease around people in authority. In surrender the illusion of male authority, represented by the intimidating witch doctor, vanished and was replaced by a quiet inner strength. This strength has no need to puff itself up; it arises through a deep ‘let go’, total surrender, and absolute vulnerability.

An even more subtle understanding came from my realisation of having moved to a completely new way of being. I knew my trials from this point forward would be ever more subtle and would require the cultivation of even deeper levels of awareness, discernment and courage. This realisation gave birth to feelings of absolute terror from the level of my personality but led to peace, stillness and acceptance from the light of truth at the core of my being. I knew that no matter what the trial I had no choice but to continue; turning back or refusing was not an option.

Home, November 2008

My story continues closer to the present day, to approximately six weeks ago. Twice weekly the flower of life ‘family’ unite in a global grid meditation in service to the planet, humanity and all life everywhere; surrender being a fundamental key in performing this service. The meditations in themselves are very profound and transforming but, for me, the sharing of experiences enables deeper levels of awareness to impact upon my daily life. They seem to trigger something inside that allows me to bring experiences from subtle levels of awareness into everyday reality; without the sharing and the ‘triggers’ they would remain in the subtle realms. This article is the result of two such sharings, coincidentally(?) from the experiences of two of the major players involved in my ‘trial’ above.

Both of these reports were very different from the usual in that they related to every day life; they were very human and ordinary in their expression speaking of trust and fear, judgements and surrender, and with one even feeling as if their heart was being ripped out. In short, they bore a striking resemblance to the subtleties arising from my experience eighteen months ago. Needless to say they had a profound effect and left me feeling very humbled by the openness, honesty and trust in their intimate sharing.

In speaking of trust one of them shared: “trust can be selective and although there is trust, there may still be judgement within it.” I reflected on this and realised the truth underlying these words. How often did I trust friends in some ways but not others? And trust one person but not another? In order to truly trust, to trust everyone, to trust life in everyway, I must surrender; totally surrender. This presents a completely different story; in surrender, as one of them shared, “I am absolutely vulnerable and stand naked in the face of truth”. There is no escape, my small self is no more, and wholeness is all that remains.

I feel the great spiral of love we created during the summer of 2007 turned with the courage displayed by these two players in sharing their experiences. Their insights, their gifts, the baring of their souls, their naked vulnerability, have enabled me to reach deeper levels of truth within my Self. They have helped me witness the birth of a new heart that grows from the far reaches of my soul.

Lendrick had a very, very profound effect, awakening a high level of discernment that enabled me to find clarity around a spiritual group I had been with for a number of years. I was able to step back and review the part I played within it and enter a process of inner justice where I could see the manipulations and games that were played under the guise of personal development and opening the heart. I could clearly see the parts I had played, albeit unwittingly. I had fooled myself into believing I was detached from all of it, an observer, who could walk away at any time but I could not, I was sucked in. Convinced I was working on unhealed emotional issues it became evident all I was doing was swimming in the same mucky water, seeing different aspects of the same piece of emotional excrement whilst transmuting none of it.

I began to see how my heart evolved in the days and months following these revelations. I saw how the judgemental heart that was torn from my body left a great void within; a cocoon-like space. I felt very still and integrated and above all, safe; content and at peace within myself. However, when my thoughts fell upon my old group and the friendships within it an ache would rise in my heart. Even though I was still and felt integrated, this aspect wasn’t. I recognised my vulnerability and detached; this was the cocoon like space that nurtured the growth of my new heart. In surrendering and recognising and above all accepting my vulnerability, my new heart was able to grow in an environment that felt safe and secure.

Durham, June 2008

Life continued to flow in a very rhythmic and balanced way until the summer of 2008 when, once again I took part in a series of workshops over the space of a week, facilitated by Ron and Lyssa; this time in Durham, North East England. One aspect in particular, ‘Pleiadian Wisdom Teachings’, stripped away another layer to leave me feeling very exposed again; purification of my heart chakra was taking place on a deep level.

This revealed the site of a deep and painful wound connected with friendship and relationship. In many ways my week in Durham was very ordinary, I stayed with my family and, unusual for me, a friend stayed as well. All my life I have kept my family and friends separate so it really was very strange to experience this integration, particularly whilst taking part in a spiritual workshop; the extraordinary and the ordinary, family and friends, peace and harmony, quite remarkable.

It was an amazing adventure and all the more so as it felt natural and right, and what’s more I didn’t have to ‘do’ anything to make it right, to make it work so everybody would get on. Even now as I write I cannot believe how easily life flowed during that week; a time which would normally result in nothing but stress brought forth feelings of joy and contentment. This was an experience my heart had never known, at least not for a long, long time. Maybe for the first time I recognised life on planet earth could indeed be intimate, ordinary and spiritual; naturally I wanted more of it!

Home, Summer 2008

The truth of this hit me a few days after my return home. I had been given a taste of a different way of life which included others playing significant parts within it. I realised how much I loved the company of fellow humans and connected with a deep desire to include close and intimate relationships in my life. Yet I also recognised my innate desire for freedom and aloneness. This dichotomy became my daily life over the next five months and caused me to question the fundamental nature of my existence and even my purpose for being here.

My contentment with life was shattered, my inner peace destroyed and a void of loneliness grew in its stead. Yet this void did not fill the entirety of my days, for at the same time there grew within a light of wisdom and truth the ultimate telling of which is beyond the bounds of expression. This light that rested in the centre of my head, in the form of an eye, was clear and pure and all-seeing. It held a space that embraced the essence of light itself and contained within it the depths of my loneliness as well as the most profound sense of joy I had ever experienced; so pure, so profound, and so deep it was almost too painful to be there.

All summer I sat with these feelings and reflected upon my apparent differences with the rest of humanity. I felt my loneliness, separation and isolation whilst at the same time being the space that held it all. My desire for a significant other seemed to drive my life yet the all-seeing eye knew the fulfilment of this desire would not change a thing; the absolute loneliness, loss and separation was within, nothing external could resolve it.

And so it was loneliness I chose as my companion for those long summer months. Nothing could distract me from this. I could clearly see the many diversions I used to prevent myself from being with this companion; friends, family, pets, computer, work, writing, drawing, walking, eating, even meditation. Every bubble, every illusory bubble, in each moment was burst by the clarity of the all-seeing eye; a shaft of pure white light penetrating the very depths of my being to expose the illusory state in which I led my life.

Once more I had reached a time where there appeared to be no way out. Yet this was not a time of despair. This was not a dark night of the soul such as I had experienced upon my journey in days long passed. This was different. Yes, I experienced loneliness and yes, there was no way out, but this time the light was holding it all, and above all I was aware of it. I knew I was not this loneliness I was simply choosing it as a companion for a while, that I may get to know it a little better. And so it was I accepted my new companion and embarked upon the next stage of my journey…

In many ways this stage presents the most difficult experiences to put into words. The changes have been very subtle, very deep and have taken place through many levels and realities, within a relatively short space of time. Never the less, I will attempt to describe that which is indescribable, to express that which is beyond words and try to bridge the boundaries of space and time to present an account of my week in Ixtapa, Mexico.

Mexico, October 2008

Again this was another ‘Seed of Life’ workshop facilitated by Ron and Lyssa, the added attraction being inter-species communication with a pod of dolphins who had given up their freedom to be of service in facilitating that end. Contact with dolphins had been on my ‘wish list’ since I could remember and when I heard of this workshop it seemed especially important that I work with this particular pod. I did not view them as victims or captives, they were sentient beings who had chosen to serve in this specific way and I felt honour bound to work with them as a result.

On the first day we arose just before sunrise and walked in silence to the dolphinarium. Past life memories surfaced as I walked, uniting with the present they filled my being with reverence and once again I was a buddhist monk making my way to the sacred temple. As past and present merged the dolphinarium became a sacred place where reverence, respect and honour were the only ways in which I could greet these magnificent beings. As my eyes rested upon the physical form of dolphins I felt my heart leap with joy and excitement, once again memories returned, I encountered lifetimes where we united in mutual respect, understanding and friendship. Joy, excitement, honour, respect was just a few of the feelings that filled my heart. I had re-connected with old and familiar friends; tears filled my eyes, as my heart and mind entwined with theirs.

In this present moment, as I write, I feel the totality of my experience in Ixtapa. I reflect how many parts of myself, separate for so long, came together during that week. Pieces I had long forgotten, suppressed for so long, began to fill the great void, the cocoon like space, where once rested my judgemental heart.

Plunging into the warm waters of the Pacific Ocean, riding the powerful waves to the shore, floating for what seemed like hours in absolute surrender, being held and nurtured by its gentle touch … I remembered. I remembered how much I loved water, how fluid and at home I was within its embrace and how I hadn’t felt so alive since my early twenties. Light and joy arose in rapturous bubbles of child-like wonder to fill the entirety of my being.

Swimming with the dolphins brought additional qualities: purity, gratitude, reverence. When I gaze at the photos of my dolphin swims it seems I look upon a stranger; I am a teenager, so young, so happy and so full of radiant joy. Yet for all the miracles of these adventures they are as nothing to the levels of conscious awareness that were revealed during communication with these astounding beings.

For many years, since achieving some level of conscious awareness through meditation, questions have fired my soul. These are many but the theme, I now realise, is the same; how do I bring profound states of inner peace and intimate connection with ‘All That Is’, as experienced during meditation, into my daily life? As evidenced by realisations during my week in Durham there is separation between one part of my life and another; family and friends, ordinary and extra-ordinary, personality and soul. It is no wonder as these all reflect my inner state of mind. And if there is little change in my daily life as a result of spiritual practise then what is the purpose of the practise? So, once again, I voiced my questions and, with abundant patience Lyssa, once again, provided answers that held resonance for me. This time I resolved to let it go…

The following morning just before sunrise we made our way to the dolphinarium for our daily communication. We were instructed to perform our own meditation and before long I had reached a profound level of awareness where my small self ceased to exist. There really are no words to adequately describe this state; it is existential where there is experiencing without experiences, no-thing that is all things, absolute stillness that is dynamic rhythm, it is All That Is and All That Is Not; in other words a complete paradox…

… So this is the space where I sat. Even though there was no ‘me’ sitting, this is where ‘I’ sat. After a while a dolphin appeared… my inner eye beheld the form whilst my consciousness became aware of a great presence merging with mine. From unity into duality then returning once more to unity we travelled; a merry dance where in moments there was dolphin and in moments there was human and in others there was neither. Space and time flashed in and out of existence as we journeyed through many realities in joyous union; then once more all was still... from out of nowhere, from out of the great void of stillness, a thought-form floated into conscious awareness… “Now, open your eyes”… without disturbing my core awareness, whilst remaining still, in essence, slowly… slowly… I opened my eyes… in the pool directly in front of me ‘stood’ a dolphin.

Whilst human and dolphin made contact through physical eyes, the joyous dance continued, bridging the boundaries of space and time; one continuous fluidic existence where all realities merged to become one. And so it was I was shown the simplicity and ease with which these beings move from one level of reality to another. All my questions, my eternal quest for truth, dissolved into profound realisation; it was a moment of awakening and within the cocoon-like space, in dynamic stillness, I felt movement. As a flower opens to the warmth of the sun, my new heart arose to greet the world, and one by one the petals of truth began to unfold…

This tale would not be complete without mention of human companions who were fundamental to the unfolding of these petals throughout the week. We were a multi-national group coming from Japan, England, Italy, Hong Kong, North America and Mexico so the opportunities for cultural integration were quite remarkable. However the reality of this integration was far more subtle; the world became a much smaller place with all cultures and all individuals mingling to become an ocean of consciousness reflecting the essence of one. We were the human ‘pod’, ambassadors for the human race, and as such daily communion with our dolphin counterparts facilitated the emergence of inter-species group consciousness.

Moment by moment the truth of this understanding flowered in my heart with individual, dolphin and group becoming so much a part of me I could not determine whether ‘I’ was even there. With each person, each creature I met, deep within my heart, the great void, the cocoon like space, would echo the words “I am in you and you are in me”.

Quiet, still, almost ethereal moments would offer glimpses where I recognised purpose, soul purpose. By being still in essence, in becoming the cocoon like space, the hearts of others open; divine union occurs and the light of knowing flows between us. It happens quite spontaneously with a smile or a look and most importantly without ‘my’ having to ‘do’ anything.

I had an amazing conversation with a friend over breakfast where not a word was spoken; she emanated peace, her whole being was filled to the brim with gratitude and I knew it. She knew I knew. Spontaneous tears sprung to our eyes as the light of truth flowed between us. In those few moments we were transported to a realm where time and space ceased to exist, where all was still and all was absolute.

Such moments are a rarity within this realm and yet they happened on at least three other occasions during that week and several times since my return home. In cultivating stillness and ‘getting out of the way’ the light of my soul flows through me to offer others glimpses of their own inner beauty; in those glimpses the light of truth shines from within them and they become a light unto their own path and unto others.

Home Again, November 2008

And far from lessening or depleting since my return home, the Ixtapa experience has deepened. I have come to realise these intimate connections, where the light of truth may flow unimpeded into form, arise during times of absolute aloneness. This is a very different companion to my loneliness friend I spent time with during the summer. However, they are akin in nature and one has been found through realisation and embracing of the other. In a flash of inspiration I recognised each and every being throughout time and space was, essentially, alone. In one moment of clarity I was filled with consummate joy as finally, I understood… in aloneness there is absolute unity; there is no separation.

When I stand alone in the entirety of my being there is no self and as a consequence there is no other; all is within, inside me. When two or more people come together in absolute aloneness, as experienced with my friend in Ixtapa, divine communion occurs and the light of truth flows freely within and between them; no words are necessary there is simply truth.

Since my homecoming it often feels I have no heart. Questions have arisen: ‘why don’t I feel love? Why don’t I feel pain? Why don’t I feel loss or separation?’ I am greeted by simple answers ‘because I am love, I am pain, I am loss.’ I am all of these things… how can I feel that which I already am? I can only feel that which I am not…

In meditation the teacher from my previous spiritual group appeared, quite spontaneously. From the centre of her chest a demon like being came forth and extended a dark arm towards my heart, “you are mine, this is what I want, you are mine” it said. But when it reached my heart there was nothing there for it to get hold of. I felt nothing in my physical body; no fear. I was space, emptiness, and the reason it had nothing to grab was because everything was inside me; there was nothing separate from itself to grab. With that realisation it vanished. There was not even an ache in my heart, no sense of justice or victory, and I wondered if I had finally embraced her, forgiven, let go? But there was nothing to embrace, nothing to forgive or let go because everything was me.

When I turn within to explore the space from which my new heart has taken form I find there is no form, there is no heart. There is simply a vast empty space, a space that holds the entirety of my existence, all existence. It is a giant, joyful wave that carries me from one moment to the next embracing all in its path. All my wants, desires, needs, feelings, thoughts dissolve into this vast ocean of consummate perfection.

And there is smiling inside, I am not even sure whether it is I who is smiling; it seems to arise quite spontaneously for no apparent reason. Others have noticed and observe “you look like the cat that got the cream”. Well, I am the cat who got the cream but there is no cream; nothing external gives rise to the incredible joy that bubbles silently within.

The Question

And in a moment of profound, pure awareness another question is born, another thought-form cast from within the great void upon the mirror of my mind: ‘Why am I here?’ It hangs suspended, like a water droplet, apparently frozen in time, seeking substance until time itself releases it once more unto the void. For a while it rests within the great ocean of infinite possibilities until the next wave throws it once more onto the surface of my mind, ‘Why am I here?’ Lazy tendrils of enquiry seek dark recesses in my concrete mind for an answer, even finding some resolution, but once again I let go, the droplet having no more substance is again released; all is still…

…and then, another thought, larger and more substantial than before, arises. It holds within it a story, a story of creation: “Great Spirit, whilst resting in the absolute totality of its being, in pure awareness, gave birth to a thought: ‘how would it be if I did not know myself?’ In that moment, with the creation of this simple thought, the world of duality, the world as we know it, came into being”…

Now I had two thought bubbles to ponder upon. They hung together in suspended animation as if the pause button had been pressed on my mind; two tiny droplets held within an even greater bubble of awareness. Before long I realised one held solution for the other. In unison they merged to become far more than the sum of their two parts. They were yin and yang, divine mother and divine father, enjoining in sacred union that the divine child of infinite understanding be born to illuminate the far reaches of my mind, and the immeasurable depths of my heart…

An Answer

…I am here to experience duality and the deeper my experience, the more I sink into this realm of separation, the closer I am to the original question posed by Great Spirit. I am in immanent proximity to that first moment of creation. Experience and question unite and consciously I participate in duality, allowing myself to sink deeper and deeper into form without becoming identified with it; a wondrous alchemical transformation takes place. In the clear light of my illuminate mind, in the most profound depths of my heart, I am Great Spirit experiencing duality through me. This is why I am here. It really is that simple.

Key words in living this understanding are ‘experiencing’ and ‘identification’. When I am ‘the wave’, the continuous wave of infinite possibilities, I am one with Great Spirit; each moment in my life is experiencing, there is no self and no other, no union and no separation, all is just as it is: very simple and very ordinary. However, if I identify with any of these things: myself, another, an experience, memory, need, desire, physical body, even union with Great Spirit then I am back in the world of duality. I become separate and in that moment the pain in my heart returns; isolation, loneliness, physical pain, all my wants and needs become driving forces in my life.

There is a subtle veil which transmutes one way of being into the other: it is quite simply, awareness; pure awareness. The shift in consciousness from one way of being to another is an inner process where the fire of awareness burns through destructive forces of divisive thought. This all consuming fire has one or two very trusted friends; courage and surrender. Without their participation awareness may as well return to its slumbers and allow the fires of passion to rule the roost. In other words unless awareness is acted upon it serves no purpose.

When I review my time in Durham and the sense of separation I felt afterwards, I now realise I had been fixating upon a memory. And in continuing to fixate, and identify, with this memory I was destroying the beauty of it, along with the friendship that went with it. I had ceased to be ‘the wave’ and with its loss separation returned. Grasping and need destroy the beauty of time, space and relationship but when I let go, when I surrender, the exquisite perfection of each moment grows and flourishes in my heart. I am, once more, ‘the wave’ where every being I meet is a ‘significant other’ where intimacy is relationship with all of life.

Conclusion

I contemplate my life within the essence of this article and see threads of truth running through it; like tiny rivulets merging with a mighty river they transform isolated aspects into one ocean of consciousness. I could have responded to the title question in a few simple words. However, without the preceding commentary would I even have been able to reach a point of clarity, where the question could be birthed, let alone answered? I realise life is a journey, a process, and through contemplation and review of this process the light of truth shines through the darkness of separation; disparate parts come together, the Self is complete, and the world is a better place as a result.

Through space and time have I travelled to see past and future merge into this present moment, where absolute clarity of mind is the all embracing wisdom of my heart; the notion of ‘other’ being simply thought to transform. I see how many parts compose the labyrinth that is my small self, how separate and isolate they are in their multiplicity, and how, within a single moment of awareness, they may dissolve into one great river of joyous simplicity; the Self. Cultivating awareness of this ‘Self’ enables soul purpose to be made visible and when I surrender, when I step aside, all barriers dissolve and in the stillness of each moment it flows, as a steady stream, to enrich the content of my days with reverent appreciation.

As threads of light weave their way through the tapestry that is my life an image slowly begins to take form… shimmering in vibrant, radiant, diamond clear light, against the background of my days… it is the totality of all my experiences: meetings and partings, sorrow and joy, happiness and despair, fear and love... All I have ever known in countless existences since beginning less time… it carries the heartbeat of the universe, one glorious note that echoes the entirety of existence; the vibration of absolute perfection… Om… Om… Om…

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